What To Do When Pain Makes You A Pain To Be Around

“There is a huge amount of freedom that comes to you when you take nothing personally.” ~ Don Miguel Ruiz

This is a story about something I learned from my buddy Spencer. It took place several years ago.

I walked out into the back yard and noticed Spencer was standing under a tree with his body facing me, head turned, tongue hanging out. He was dirty. “Come on buddy, time to eat. Let’s go,” and then I whistled.

He always ran to me when I whistled.

But he stood there. Looking at me.

As I got closer to the tree I realized he was standing in between two trunks of a tree that made a V near the ground. He was stuck. His head and front legs were on one side of the V and his back right leg was one the other. I wondered how long he had been there. He just stood there. So I said it again and whistled. No luck.

Spencer, the smartest Dalmatian on the planet

“Hey buddy, easy, I’ll get you out.” I said as I walked slowly toward him. I was about three feet away when he started growling. A low guttural sound that made the hair on my arm stand up. He was hurt.

Dogs often will bite their owners when they’re hurt. Scared and in pain, the dog instinctively shifts into a self-preservation mode. Spencer’s pain and fear dominated his very being. He was just protecting himself.

I proceeded slowly letting him know I was only there to help. He’s a big, strong dog. About the last thing I needed was a bite. As I gently stroked his back talking to him in a low soothing voice, he began to whimper.

I thought I was going to cry.

“I’m here buddy. I’ll get you out,” I said. As I carefully lifted Spencer up and freed him from the tree, he whimpered loudly but the growling was gone.

Although Spencer didn’t bite me, he let me know how he was feeling. And we humans often do the same thing when we’re hurting. We lash out, can be mean-spirited, rude, short, gruff.

We sometimes hurt others because we’re hurting.

Why Hurting Makes You Feel Old and….Grumpy

Pain extracts an emotional tax. It’s a stressor and like all forms of stress, can age you prematurely. It’s not the pain that makes you feel old. It’s the suffering.

Feeling youthful is all about energy. Sure, some people think being youthful is the way you look but I have news for you. No matter how hard you try to look 20, it just ain’t gonna’ happen at 70. You can do things to improve your appearance but what makes you feel and seem younger is the energy you possess and use. And, pain zaps you of energy, can keep you from doing things to improve your energy and, well, turn you into a pain.

What to Do

If you’re the person with the pain (whatever the source) and you find yourself acting like the Hulk at times (hey, I’ve been there – just ask my wife), here are some things that can help lower the suffering:

• Acknowledge and accept the situation. This is really counter-intuitive. It feels like you’re giving up. You have to accept the situation as it is yet work on changing it to the degree it can be changed. But, not accepting and just fighting it increases the suffering.
• Write. Journaling can be a very effective tool for releasing pent up stress, anger, bitterness. Basically all the stuff that pours out of your mouth at the very moment it shouldn’t. This is my favorite book on journaling in case you’re new to the idea: Journal to the Self: Twenty-Two Paths to Personal Growth – Open the Door to Self-Understanding by Writing, Reading, and Creating a Journal of Your Life.
• Meditate. I’ll admit that meditating is difficult for a lot of people – including me. It’s doing the very opposite of what are lives are made of: being still with an empty mind. Whenever I’ve spent time meditating in the classic sense, I develop severe “monkey mind” with thoughts tumbling through my head one after another. What helps a lot is “guided meditation”. And this is one of my favorite meditating tools by one of my teachers, Dale Goldstein. Awareness Meditation (it’s an mp3 about the middle of the page).
• Change your patterns. Being positive about things is helpful but you also have to change what you’re doing. We all have routines. It makes life simpler. Look at your routines and shake them up a bit. Maybe try a walk first thing in the morning. Or do a guided meditation. I will sometimes read a chapter from One Minute Business Woman’s Devotional (and yes, I know it’s for women – my ego is okay with that). Your brain links feelings with actions. Sometimes just altering your routine can break the pattern of suffering.
• Get more info. I’ve found that picking the minds of experts can increase your understanding of a problem and with understanding comes a certain level of peace. One of the best books I’ve read about this is When Things Fall Apart: Heart Advice for Difficult Times (Shambhala Library). And for a short motivational movie, try this one.

But what if you’re on the receiving end of Mr. Grumpy? Compassion helps but stop short of offering advice. Most people want a friendly ear more than direction. If you feel the urge to offer your opinions, ask first. A simple approach is this. “I sense you’re really hurting” and then pause. Let the space fill with whatever comes out.

And, don’t take anything personally. Remember, people often bark when they’re hurting.